Seeking to Understand Through Charity (week 10)

The principal of understanding one another is explained by Marvin J. Ashton:
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we
don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the
benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences,
weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let
us down."

Goddard said, “We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the
critical, negative, carping, nitpicking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that
comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having
an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see
each other.” He also said that the research and the gospel are the same:
"We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of
their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering
with our partners' characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!"

Goddard sums up by saying “Look for good qualities and kind deeds by your partner.
Don't discount their goodness by looking for imperfect motives. Notice the good.
Appreciate it.”

Managing Conflict (week 9)

In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Gottman has come up with a model for resolving conflict: Soften your start-up, Learn to make and receive repair attempts, Soothe yourself and each other, Compromise, Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

“It all comes down to having good manners.” Gottman says, “It means treating your spouse with the same respect you would offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella,we say, ’Here. You forgot your umbrella.’ We would never think of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you!? You are constantly forgetting things’…what’s really being requested of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you.”   

From the talk "Agency and Anger" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins he said, “A cunning part of Satan’s strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!”

Beware of Pride (week 8)

“Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking. Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” President Benson "Beware of Pride"

From the reading Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “I observed another interesting opportunity for repentance in a capable couple...The wife loved ice cream. Every once in a while she would have a scoop or two. For her it was a special treat. Her husband apparently had ambitions for her slimness. Any time she thought about ice cream, he tried to talk her out of it. Every time she ate ice cream, he grimaced like a man in pain. I feel quite certain that if he gave up his effort to regulate his wife's ice cream consumption, she would regulate it much better than his brow-beatings were regulating it. He could repent of his effort to micromanage his wife. He could appreciate her natural beauty. He could love her and let her be in charge of her ice cream decisions. The media provide a very specific image of the perfect man and woman. Our culture would have us obsess about perfect proportions, firm muscles, and flawless skin. But plastic surgery and relentless exercise are not the answer. Charity is. We can repent of our narrow, trivial, superficial demands. We can recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him and not because the luck of genetics compels our love.”

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works. Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod." President Benson "Beware of Pride"

Turning Towards not Away (week 7)

"Satan knows that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redemptiveness are enemies to his cause. Satan's best hope is to keep us from looking up. He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances." - Goddard
Do you ever find yourself in this situation (this is from a book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage): "On the way to work one day Nancy asked me a question. I gave a carefully considered answer. She looked perplexed and asked me to repeat my answer. I growled at her. I felt the indignation that is so human: "Why didn't you listen to what I said?" and I would add "why didn't you listen the first time?"
The key to turning towards someone is this next part, we need to change our thoughts "I probably had given a reasonable answer to her question. But Nancy may have been thinking about something else. She may have been distracted as I was explicating. The irony is that I do the same thing to her all the time. I'm distracted as she answers my question and I ask her to repeat her answer." If we can be quicker to think the last part instead of the first part there will be a lot less frustration in our relationships.