Extended Family (week 13)

I’ve always thought this scripture, while it has a point, was always a little stiff, "Therefore
shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." I feel like a lot
of couples take this as meaning never go for advice, dinner, fhe, holidays, babysitting ect.  
Elder Marvin J. Ashton clarifies this and I really like what he had to say, “Certainly a
now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and
total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended
that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great
source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families,
realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation,
supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

But he also states that,  “Sensitive parents-in-law recognize it is important for couples to
develop their own traditions and have time together on special occasions. Parents can help
by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even
though they will be missed.”

This week we also read that individuals bring their own family rules to the marriage.
From Till Debt Do Us Part by Bernard Poduska “Because of your upbringing in your
particular family (your "family of origin"), certain rules guide you in your social roles,
govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to
reasonably predict the behavior of others. Among these family rules are expectations
about how to manage your finances—and as you might have guessed, the rules each
of you has "inherited" will most likely be different.” There are 3 basic ones  explicit:
"Don't talk with your mouth full”, implicit: which chair is Dad's, and intuitive: "Never
marry someone of a different race (or religion, nationality, socioeconomic status)”.
When you realize what your rules are that each of you bring you can better
understand one another.

Power and Councils (week 12)

This weeks reading was about who should be the boss in the family and holding a council.

In a article Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families by Richard B. Miller, PhD

Director of the School of Family Life Brigham Young University said, “In healthy,

well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children.

Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family.

As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering,

or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow

that leadership.” He also said, "It is important that parents work together in 

their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with 

a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent 

undermines the other parent." 

Then in talking about councils Miller said, "Healthy marriages consist of an 

equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have 

as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in 

the relationship." Then in another article Counseling with Our Councils M. Russell

Ballard added “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal

opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan—and yet these

differing roles and duties are equally significant...To His sons He gave the

priesthood and the responsibilities of fatherhood, and to His daughters He gave

the responsibilities of motherhood, each with its attendant functions.” This makes the

perfect combo to be able to work together as husband and wife.

It is not just the husbands job to make all the decisions for the family just because

they have the priesthood. "Priesthood is about service, not servitude; compassion,

not compulsion; caring, not control. Those who think otherwise are operating outside t

he parameters of their authority and are gravely mistaken." (Ballard)

Sexual Intimacy (week 11)

This week was about sexual intimacy in marriage. I don’t have any experience with this as seeing
I’m not married but I did read somethings that might be helpful. In an article “Fulfilling the Sexual
Stewardship in Marriage” by Sean E. Brotherson he said, “Fidelity includes refraining from
physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and
respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can
erode fidelity. Fidelity in marriage”

From the same article Brotherson said, “As Latter-day Saints, most of the dialogue that we
hear about sexual matters consists of two primary categories:

(1) The incessant chatter and noise of the world, Satan, and related sources that constantly
hype and sensationalize sexual intimacy with distorted images of sensuality and misplaced
or twisted values and expressions of sexuality.

(2) The powerful and compelling warnings of prophetic leaders and caring Church
members who seek to steer us away from pornography, sexual exploitation, and
immorality in sexual matters.But there is a third part of the dialogue, seldom heard or
discussed, and yet it comprises perhaps the most important and powerful portion of our
understanding about sexual intimacy. It is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional
depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.
Too often we listen only to the first two strands of the dialogue, and if we listen long enough, we

may come to believe that the only kind of discussion about sexuality that is warranted is
the dialogue about what Satan tempts us to do and what the Church teaches us not to do.
Such a dialogue, however important, is not a recipe for fully understanding and creating
sexual fulfillment as a married couple. Ignorance is the first enemy of sexual fulfillment
in marriage. In an unpublished manuscript on sexual fulfillment in marriage,
a friend of mine has written: ‘For some LDS couples, especially those where one or both struggle
with negative feelings about sex, doctrinal permission feels needed to even discuss or
study such things. It is okay to read about sex. It is okay to talk about sex.’ “

I believe this is an important part of being married. Couples need to seek to understand
and talk openly with each other to know this part of the Lord’s plan.

Seeking to Understand Through Charity (week 10)

The principal of understanding one another is explained by Marvin J. Ashton:
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we
don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the
benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences,
weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let
us down."

Goddard said, “We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the
critical, negative, carping, nitpicking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that
comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having
an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see
each other.” He also said that the research and the gospel are the same:
"We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of
their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering
with our partners' characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!"

Goddard sums up by saying “Look for good qualities and kind deeds by your partner.
Don't discount their goodness by looking for imperfect motives. Notice the good.
Appreciate it.”

Managing Conflict (week 9)

In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Gottman has come up with a model for resolving conflict: Soften your start-up, Learn to make and receive repair attempts, Soothe yourself and each other, Compromise, Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

“It all comes down to having good manners.” Gottman says, “It means treating your spouse with the same respect you would offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella,we say, ’Here. You forgot your umbrella.’ We would never think of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you!? You are constantly forgetting things’…what’s really being requested of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you.”   

From the talk "Agency and Anger" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins he said, “A cunning part of Satan’s strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!”

Beware of Pride (week 8)

“Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking. Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” President Benson "Beware of Pride"

From the reading Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “I observed another interesting opportunity for repentance in a capable couple...The wife loved ice cream. Every once in a while she would have a scoop or two. For her it was a special treat. Her husband apparently had ambitions for her slimness. Any time she thought about ice cream, he tried to talk her out of it. Every time she ate ice cream, he grimaced like a man in pain. I feel quite certain that if he gave up his effort to regulate his wife's ice cream consumption, she would regulate it much better than his brow-beatings were regulating it. He could repent of his effort to micromanage his wife. He could appreciate her natural beauty. He could love her and let her be in charge of her ice cream decisions. The media provide a very specific image of the perfect man and woman. Our culture would have us obsess about perfect proportions, firm muscles, and flawless skin. But plastic surgery and relentless exercise are not the answer. Charity is. We can repent of our narrow, trivial, superficial demands. We can recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him and not because the luck of genetics compels our love.”

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works. Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod." President Benson "Beware of Pride"

Turning Towards not Away (week 7)

"Satan knows that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redemptiveness are enemies to his cause. Satan's best hope is to keep us from looking up. He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances." - Goddard
Do you ever find yourself in this situation (this is from a book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage): "On the way to work one day Nancy asked me a question. I gave a carefully considered answer. She looked perplexed and asked me to repeat my answer. I growled at her. I felt the indignation that is so human: "Why didn't you listen to what I said?" and I would add "why didn't you listen the first time?"
The key to turning towards someone is this next part, we need to change our thoughts "I probably had given a reasonable answer to her question. But Nancy may have been thinking about something else. She may have been distracted as I was explicating. The irony is that I do the same thing to her all the time. I'm distracted as she answers my question and I ask her to repeat her answer." If we can be quicker to think the last part instead of the first part there will be a lot less frustration in our relationships.

Nurturing Relationships (week 6)

Henry B. Eyring said: "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us
along the way towards becoming like Him, our perfect example. Our way of life,
hour by hour, must be filled with the love of God and love for others.
There is no surprise in that, since the Lord proclaimed those as the first and
great commandments. It is love of God that will lead us to keep His commandments.
And love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him. That is because the greatest
joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships.
The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.
And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love.
The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to
happiness and away from sorrow. A man and a woman are to make sacred
covenants that they will put the welfare and happiness of the other at the center
of their lives. Children are to be born into a family where the parents hold the
needs of children equal to their own in importance. And children are to love
parents and each other. That is the ideal of a loving family."

This picture is of my nephews

Negative moments (week 5)

This week is all about the things we do wrong in a marriage. When we look for ways to bring our partner down instead of build them up is when we create a problem. I was reading in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD he said,"For most people, marriage is sometimes a refuge from the storm. At other times marriage is the storm where cold squalls and pitching decks test our balance and determination as we seek the promised land of marital harmony." Marriage can be unbalanced when we look for ways to make the other feel bad. Goddard said when we ask questions like,"Why in the world did you do that when you know we decided to do otherwise?" In asking such a question, I am not humbly seeking insight; I am seeking to humiliate my partner. I am acting like a lawyer looking for a conviction. That is not a good way to strengthen a relationship. We sometimes are so concerned about being right in an argument that we fail to be good"

Goddard also said,"Success in marriage is much like the healing at Bethesda (see John 5: 1-15). An invalid waited by the side of the pool with hopes of being healed by the magical waters. But it was Jesus who healed him. It was not the waters of the pool but the Water of Life that cured him. Many of us sit by the pool of the world's wisdom hoping to have our marriages healed. But it is Jesus only, Him and His truths-that transforms our marriages from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."

Temple Marriage (week 4)

This week the reading was on temple marriage and it's importance.

From the reading “The Fullness of the Priesthood” by President Joseph Fielding Smith, “I do not care what office you hold in the Church - - you may be an apostle, you may be a patriarch, a high priest, or anything else -- but you cannot receive the fullness of the priesthood and the fullness of eternal reward unless you receive the ordinances of the house of the Lord; and when you receive these ordinances, the door is then open so you can obtain all the blessings which any man can gain.”

A question was asked in a talk by Elder David A. Bednar “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan" - In my own life, am I striving to become a better husband or a wife, or preparing to be a husband or a wife, by understanding and applying these basic principles? 

To answer that question; I try everyday to live my life so that one day I can be sealed for time and all eternity with a man the has also lived up to these principles. I believe for me marrige will not happen in this life for me but in Heaven if I live worthily Heavenly Father will grant me the same blessings as everyone else. 

Same sex Marriage (week 3)

”THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to
Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife.
We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish
the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the
sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman,
lawfully wedded as husband and wife. THE FAMILY is ordained of God.
Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are
entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and
a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” - Proclamation to the World

This week we read the court proceedings of the SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
on gay marriage. They concluded that the right to marry is a fundamental right inherent in
the liberty of the person, and under the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the
Fourteenth Amendment couples of the same-sex may not be deprived of that right and that liberty.  
The judges against changing the law had this to say “The human race must procreate to survive.
Procreation occurs through sexual relations between a man and a woman.
When sexual relations result in the conception of a child, that child’s prospects are
generally better if the mother and father stay together rather than going their separate ways.
Therefore, for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation
should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond.”  
To bad their voice was not heard.

This week was about divorce. My parents got divorced 22 yrs ago I was 18. Now you would think that's old enough to not really care or no big deal, but at any age I think it affects you. My dad has remarried but my mom has not. Because we were mostly all older (I have 5 sisters) none of us lived with them or had to have that discussion about who we were going to live with so I think that helped. She didn't become our step mom, she didn't take that roll. Do I wish they would of stayed together sure but more in the since that now I'm just like everyone else whose parents couldn't make it work. In school I felt special because my parents were together still. Life move on.

The State of our Unions: Marriage in America 2012 “Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their unions produce. Because marriage fosters small cooperative unions—otherwise known as stable families—it not only enables children to thrive, but also shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Even small changes in the rates of marriage and marital stability in America would reduce suffering for children and their families and yield significant cost savings for taxpayers. For example, in 2008 a team led by economist Ben Scafidi suggested that even very modest increases in stable marriage rates would result in large savings for taxpayers. These scholars calculated that if family fragmentation were reduced by just 1 percent, U.S. taxpayers would save an estimated $1.1 billion annually.” Alma Phipps & Associates

Ensign 2007 “Divorce" by Elder Oaks, “Nations that had no divorce law have adopted one, and most nations permitting divorces have made them easier to obtain. Unfortunately, under current no-fault divorce laws, it can be easier to sever a marriage relationship with an unwanted spouse than an employment relationship with an unwanted employee. Some even refer to a first marriage as a “starter marriage,” like a small home one uses for a while before moving on. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”

Hello this blog for a class that I am taking on marriage. I will be adding thoughts and quotes from my reading and other insight I gain.